I've done this before, been half naked in front of a camera. I make sure to take self-portraits & have other photographers capture me a couple times each year, if not more. I want to walk the walk. I want to show clients that ANYONE can do this, that EVERYONE deserves to flaunt their sensuality, shamelessly. So why am I nervous this time? Why does my heart rate increase when I imagine slipping into that new bodysuit I ordered? I think I know... I'm not quite at peace with my body right now. Over the past year, it has changed. Not for better or worse, it's just different.
So, what's different? To start, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. What does that mean for my shoot? I'm moving slower; my joints pop & creak, & my flexibility isn't what it used to be. Some days I feel 19 & some days I feel 90. Not knowing how I will feel during my boudoir session is anxiety-inducing.
& then there's my wardrobe. I think I hate everything I bought. & even though I love what I have in my client closet, I'm not sure any of the pieces feel like "me" ... I shop for other people so much that sometimes I forget to buy stuff for myself!
Oh... & both of the stellar hair & makeup artists I have the pleasure of working with are unavailable... so I have to do my own. I used to be somewhat good at makeup but lately, I've been going natural so much, I feel a bit out of practice. Plus my purple hair is gone, & without it, I feel a bit odd, like a part of me is missing. Does anyone else get that way when they lose part of their signature style? Tell me I'm not crazy!
& finally, let's just be honest here... I'm a photographer, so I know what I like. Even though I have all the faith in the world in Billie (my friend & fellow photographer) there's a part of me that just doesn't want to give up control. We all know how it works right? Take a selfie, look like a goddess. Have your photo taken, look like a root vegetable. It's just the way the universe works.
When I take a photo of myself...
When someone takes a photo of me.
All kidding & stupid selfies aside, these worries are stealing the show. I should be stoked for this experience because I KNOW what kind of high follows it. After a boudoir session, you glide around for days with this confidence that you should ALWAYS have, but often lack. Each & every time I get in front of the camera I am reminded how much I appreciate myself.
So... how am I getting past all of these doubts & last minute fears? I'm reminding myself that I'm human. The only constant in life is that there is no constant, my body is going to change a million times between now & forever. I'm focusing on celebrating who I am RIGHT NOW because, in a few years, I'll look back & realize that what I had going on was pretty awesome. I don't want to appreciate myself in the past, I want to appreciate myself in the present!!
Sooo, why am I telling you all of this? To let you know that nervous is normal. If I'm nervous about this, you're allowed to be nervous about this. & those pesky pounds that you swear you have to lose before the session? Don't worry about them, because those doubts are going to follow you to the studio whether you lose the love handles or not. & that wardrobe you all of the sudden decided to hate? It's going to look bomb on you, you're just looking for a reason to cancel. & that little voice that's telling you that it won't work, that alllll the other women are flawless models but you're just a flawed potato? You can tell that voice to FUCK RIGHT OFF.